马克 | 生如夏花
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这是马克今天在苏的追思会上的悼文，我帮他翻译了，以表达我们对苏的敬意和思念。苏是一位可亲可敬的女士，虽然生活对她一直过于苛刻，但她却从未被击垮或抱怨过，她对生活的热爱是一种信仰，坚实、温润而持久。
她已经成为马克和我关系良性发展的座右铭，永远鲜活在我们的生命中。我习惯对马克说：我希望你像苏一样聆听，不评判我，我也渴望你像对苏一样温柔地待我；他则喜欢说：你要像苏那样温柔地宠我......
苏给我们留下爱的力量和温暖，将继续影响并引领着她生活里的每一个人。我愿意记录这样的美好，并把它分享出去，希望它继续传播，就像蜜蜂和花粉，鸟儿和种子那样......
今天让我们在这里缅怀苏，一起为她庆祝，她曾经生如夏花。
——孙宽
生如夏花
文：马克 | 翻译：孙宽
我叫马克。这里大多数人认识我，有些人可能很熟悉，有些人可能没听说过我，当然这些都不重要。若有人还记得朱利安，这样你们就明白我为什么会和苏这样亲近了。
朱利安是（杰瑞米去世后）苏唯一的儿子，加上他的病，朱利安几乎成了苏生活的全部。介于朱利安和我的友情，因此我和苏就越来越熟识了。可以这样说，因认识朱利安，我认识了苏，又因认识了苏，我了解了朱利安。当然，这是我的感受。
今天我之所以被邀请发言，还因我和苏一家人的历史渊源算起来已有45年了。我最早认识苏的长子杰瑞米，在他逝世后，我把对杰瑞米的友情延续了下来。
那时苏的家人怕朱利安因失去哥哥而情绪受影响，我被当成了哥哥的替代品，特别是一个恶搞的替代品，我确实带着弟弟朱利安干了许多恶作剧，但这不就是兄弟所为吗？当然这其中有无数美好回忆。
在德文郡时的许多个学校假期和他们家偶尔的游船旅行中，我常常被邀请同行，开始是和彤尼（朱利安的生父）一起，后来是彼得（朱利安的继父）。
随着时间的推移，我越来越把苏当作我的第二个母亲，其间我确实遇到了和改变我对她称呼方式相关的困扰，把称呼她，从我能张口就来的Trenchard 太太改成Bray太太，可真是个大问题。（我必须承认我有时会对此很混乱，我已经习惯称呼她Trenchard太太，但是后来出于礼节，我又不得不称呼她Bray夫人 - 即使现在看起来，也还是含糊不清）。
不过幸运的是，当我到了一定年龄，我终于克服了这一点，我不再有什么顾虑，也比较自然和随意地叫她苏，就像今天所有认识她的人一样。
时间无情地流逝，最终夺走了苏生命里唯一的亲人，从2000年开始，我暂称它为巧合吧，虽然我喜欢把它当作是还有别的意义或原因，我成为了他们母子生活的一部分，我陪伴了朱利安生命的最后6个月。
在朱利安最后一次去医院之前，请求我在他走后照顾他的母亲，我答应了他。在此后苏独自生活的这17年中，我尽了自己最大努力。
从那时起，我和苏更加亲近了，我从心里承认她是我母亲，她也承认我是他儿子。
和苏聊天是一件非常轻松愉快的事，她从来没有说过任何人一句不良的话，而且从不评价，总是聆听，除非我渴望听听她的想法。特别是几次在我的人生低谷，我最沮丧的时候，她总是在旁支持和给我力量，好像她总知道什么时候该说什么话。
我最后一次见到苏是今年的夏天七月，我回到英国后，先陪她了几天，才去看我其他的家人，然后再回来陪她住了几天。在第二次逗留期间，我带她去了温莎古堡。经过这么多年，她说这是她一直想去，但却从来没有去过的少数几个地方之一，她觉得自己对皇家的贡献实在太少了。
我建议我们一定要在我离开之前去看看。这似乎真的令她非常欣喜和期待。她非常喜欢和享受这次参观，我们参观的时候，她一直谈论着我们在城堡里所见到的一切。
我想提及此事，因为这是我们一起所做的最后一件事，看到她那么高兴我非常欣慰。那欢乐的情景总是浮现在我的脑海里，现在我明白了，这是她希望我记住她的最好的方式。
我确信你们都和我的感受一样，失去苏对于我们来说是个巨大的损失。今天我们聚在一起，以这样一个追思的方式，感恩上苍给我们的这份厚礼，她的生命曾经感动过我们每一个人，我们怀念她并分享我们一起拥有过的美好时光。
她虽然失去的比我认识的任何人都多，但她却从来没有放弃过信仰，生活的一切重击都从未造成对她情绪上的影响。她很少表现出她内心深处的情绪，这也让我感到非常奇妙不解，在她经受人生的各种灾难时，有时在她脸上我甚至看到一丝微笑，她在人前表现出的坚强使我们无法想象和了解她所经历的损失和痛苦，我常常思考她是如何熬过来的呢？我相信直到她生命的最后一息，她一定对生活始终都充满了信心。
当我们认识一个人认识了这么久，真的很难说再见。我真希望上一次我能有更多的时间陪她，我多希望她以前不必花那么多年的时间去照顾别人，当然那样的话，一切就不可能是现在的样子了。
虽然还有许多苦痛，但她不必再挣扎其间，她已经安息了。她走了，却给我们留下一个爱和力量的传奇，她感动我们每个人的生活方式将永远留存。我请求这里的每一位珍存这些美好的记忆，和我还有他人一起分享这一份美好。
我有这么多关于苏的美好记忆，我可以一直谈到明天，但我会把其他的记忆留给我自己，就像你们一样，我们每个人将以自己的方式思念她，我们永远都不会忘记她给我们带来的各种益处，特别是她做的美食。
这里是露丝·莫里斯（Ruth Morris）给母亲的一首诗，但表达了我失去苏的感受，我略作删改。此刻我谨以此诗献给苏，以示对苏的深切悼念。
你以为生活中无人在乎
你自感无比孤独，心儿破碎
我想说你是大错特错
因为你看 - 苏 – 你片帆不孤
你愤怒和悲伤时，我爱你
你不如既往亲切时，我爱你
我爱你，不是缘于我不得不爱
我爱你，是缘于弥足珍惜
如此悲伤，是因你已经故去
我再也见不到你的容颜
我这样悲痛，不是缘于应该悲痛
我悲痛，是缘于与你息息相关
我不得不生活在没有你的每一天
日子本来不该这样艰辛
我痛感失去你，正如失去了灵魂
因为你知道 - 苏 - 你对我至关重要
你的抚摸，你的微笑，你偶尔的风趣机妙
那些只有你和我的美好时光
我会思念你，苏，以我整个的心
因为你仍然活在我的心上
马克的悼词原文如下：
My Name Is Mark. Most of you will know me, some may just be familiar with the name and some may not have heard of me, although I’m sure that is not the case.
Some of this will make reference to Julian, this is just so you understand how I became close to Sue and because Julian was such a huge part of Sue’s Life from his illness and from being the remaining son. It was through this friendship that I became so much closer to Sue and In fact the only way I can put the closeness they had is “In knowing Julian, one knew Sue and In knowing Sue one knew Julian” You didn’t really know one without the other”……well that’s how I felt.
I have been asked to speak today as I go back a long way with Sue and her family, which in fact is 45 years now. I first befriended Jeremy, Sues oldest son and then on his passing was, you could say, taken in by his family through my continued friendship with him. I think I was encouraged due to the emotional impact losing a brother has and I can only feel I was considered as a mischievous substitute. Yes, I did lead Julian also to mischief but That’s what brothers do, don’t they. We certainly had fond memories when recalling them.
I was often included on many of the school holiday trips to Devon and the occasional boat trip both with Tony on the Thames and later with Peter in his sailing dingy. As time passed I began to consider Sue as a second mother and though I did go through the problems associated with changing the way I addressed her from Mrs Trenchard to Mrs Bray, (I must admit I would sometimes get quite flustered as to how to address her as part of my brain just knew her as Mrs Trenchard and part of it struggled with the etiquette of calling her by her new name Mrs Bray – even now it still seems vaguely strange). However, fortunately I did eventually overcome this when I reached an age where I was comfortable in calling her Sue, just the same way everyone here today knew of her.
As time passed eventually Sue’s remaining son was taken from her at the beginning of 2000 and call it a coincidence, although I like to think of it as something else, but circumstances allowed me to be a close part of bothSue and Julian’s lives during his last 6 months.
It was during this time just before he went to Hospital for the last time, he made me promise to look after his mother the best way I could, as she would soon be all alone.
It was from this time on that I became even closer to Sue and I like to think that in the same way I considered her as a mother, she considered me as a son. Sue was so easy to talk to. She never really had a bad word to say about anyone she would just listen and never expressed an opinion unless asked for. Even on the few times when I had down periods, she always gave support and seemed to know the right things to say.
The last time I saw Sue was in July this past summer. I spent a few days with her before heading to the south West to see the rest of my family before coming back for several more days. It was during this second stay that I took her to Windsor Castle. After so many years she said it was one of the few places she had never been to. Considering how much regard she gave to the Royal family, I suggested we visit there before I left and head back abroad. This seemed to really please her and she was so looking forward to it. She thoroughly enjoyed the visit and talked about all the things we saw inside the castle itself. I mention this event since it was really the last thing we did together and seeing her as happy as she was, it will always be in my mind, which from what I understand is the way she wanted me to remember her.
I’m sure you will all agree that Sues passing is a great loss and we are gathered here in her memory so that we may acknowledge and share our joy in the gift of how her life touched all of us. Although Sue had been put through more emotional loss than anyone I know, she never once gave up faith and never showed how any of this impacted her emotionally. She very rarely showed her inner most emotions which always amazed me given what she had been through and how she nearly always had a smile on her face. She faced the world with such a strong front any person would not know the loss she had experienced. I really don’t know how she managed it.
All I can say is she must have had a lot of faith to get her through until eventually even her life was taken from us. It’s hard to say goodbye when one has known someone for so long. I wish that I had more time and perhaps that during the time I had, we had spent more of it together. I wish that so much of her earlier life had not been lost looking after
others, but that things could have been different for her.
While we know that she is at peace and that her struggles are at an end, there is still pain and sadness. But even though she is gone, she has left the legacy of her love and her strength. The ways she touched our lives will remain, and I ask you to keep those memories alive by sharing them with me and with one another. Although I have so many memories of Sue, which I could talk about till tomorrow, I will keep them to myself and just ask that like many of you here we remember her in our own way never forgetting the pleasure she gave us. Especially in her her cooking.
Although this is a Poem by Ruth Morris to a mother, it is a poem of how I feel about the loss of Sue.
To Sue.
You lived your life thinking that no one cared
You thought you were all alone, your heart feeling broken
I am here to tell you that you were wrong
because you see - Sue - to me you mattered
I loved you when you were angry and sad
I loved you when you were kind as could be
I loved you not just because I had to
I loved you because you mattered to me
It hurts to know that now you're gone
And never will your face again I see
I hurt not because I am supposed to
I hurt because you mattered to me
I have to live on each day without you
It doesn't get easier as it is supposed to be
I feel the loss of you to my very soul
Because you see - Sue - you mattered to me
Your touch, your smile, your occasional wit
The times it was just you and me
I will miss you, Sue, with all my heart
because you still matter to me......
苏珍藏的早年照片
生命虽然短暂，但每个人都曾经有过青春靓丽的瞬间；也许我们无法预测和避免生活中的不幸和灾难，然而我们却可以选择以微笑面对，就当是生活的又一次考验吧！
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法律顾问 | 北京市康达律师事务所高级合伙人唐新波律师
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孙宽 | 我们还拥有“悲伤”的权力和能力吗？我们是如何失去它们的？
孙宽：原名孙宽余，南京大学文学硕士。曾做过播音主持，经商从教；曾在香港、新西兰、美国、新加坡等地工作和学习；现旅行和自由写作，定居新加坡。2016新年前创办微信公号《宽余时光》，目前已发文280余篇，部分作品曾发表于新加坡《联合早报》和国内报刊杂志。
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